Uh oh
So...I just put Jasper in the back yard (it's fenced but it was raining today - MESS!) and came back in. Jake was sooo upset because I quit playing with him to tend to Jasper. I tried talking to him, but I just couldn't get it through to him that I do love Jasper, but I couldn't ever come close to loving Jasper as much as I love him and Brandon. Those two boys are my entire world. How can I explain to them that I get all teary eyed just watching them play, or watching them do something for the first time and being so proud, hearing them laugh and just knowing how blessed I am to have them? Jake is just like me with his personality and Brandon is just like his Daddy. There's nothing I love more than just watching them - I can just imagine how my husband and I were as toddlers through them. How could they know that even on my worst days, all they have to do is give me a hug, kiss, or say "I love you Mom" and everything suddenly becomes okay? I love them with all my heart, and I just never would have thought they would have felt I loved anyone/anything more than them. I think I know what the problem is. I've been spending a good bit of time with Jasper - teaching him and making him a better member of our family. When Brandon (my youngest) is awake, he's constantly attached to me. Jakob just got out of preschool for the summer, and now he's wanting all my attention also. I just don't know what more to do. We spend all day outside playing. When we come in, I spend time with them doing crafty type things, letting them help me cook, go over their ABCs, numbers, writing, colors, & shapes. I do spend a lot of time with him, just not a lot of one-on-one time. I would say we could have a mother-son day, but Brandon is REALLY attached to me. If I leave the room he's in, he screams. If I leave the house, he screams and kicks & hits the door until I get back. He's got an awful case of separation anxiety that's been going on over a year now - the only place he hasn't had it is over my mom's house and preschool. Kids should come with a laid-out set of instructions so you won't mess them up.  I honestly don't think Jake is jealous of Jasper. He loves Jasper, plays with him constantly, and tells everyone he loves him. I don't know what would have made him say I love Jasper more than him though - he doesn't even say that about Brandon! I know it absolutely broke my heart to hear him say it though, and now I'm crying again just thinking about how my happy boy just looked so sad and hurt when he said it. |
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| Don't worry Mom, he'll be fine. Kids have no idea how they can break our hearts with a single sentence!!! Mom's have that wonderful ability to come up with enough love to spread around, no matter how many nooks and cranies it needs to reach.
Maybe you could involve him in taking care of Jasper, give him some "ownership". You have alot of younguns' there (kids and dog) don't be too hard on yourself. |
| Sounds to me like they may be pulling your chain and it also sounds like you may be facilitating it. Just like with dogs if you try to stop them from barking, growling, anything you don't want you have to be firm but loving and basically let them know the behavior is not OK. You would never have a dog growl then sit down and try to comfort them saying you are such a good dog don't growl. You would tell them no and mean it you are the alpha, what you say goes. With your kids if you facilitate a behavior like separation anxiety it will get worse not better. So when your other son tells you, you love the dog the most just tell him what you did and go in the yard with the dog. Stopping what you are going to do because of what was said now puts your 4 year old in charge they are now the alpha sort of. You can bet he will remember how to uae that tecnique in many different ways to control your behavior. You need to treat situations like their will be a normal outcome and flow and eventuallly their will be a normal outcome. So there is my arm chair advise. You are obviously a great Mom, Don't be to nice. |
| I agree with Roger's dad. And I think it is human nature trying to manipulate a situation to get what you want.
Your little one is just exercising his new found powers. If you allow it to become control, he will learn to use it more and often. No matter how much you are crying inside, explain in terms he can understand and move on, ignoring it. We've all seen the child in the mall who can get exactly what he wants by whining or crying. You are a loving and considerate mom, he didn't really mean it. This is just a test, it will pass. Shellie |
| Parker is four as well, and he is maniulating as well, and I don't half the stuff you just said anymore.
He will understand that you have a routine with Jasper, and he knows about going potty...relate the "dog duties" to his level. We don't want Japser to pee in the house, and when he is done outside Jake can give a treat. He's been away for the preschool time, and now needs a new routine...one that includes Jasper. He'll understand that is is not favoritism in time. More like a job, it gets done and your back to playing with them. If you don't react, then they quickly forget what upset them. I have learned with Parker I need to say ahead of time what I am about to do...he doesn't like suprises, or the unknown. So if I need to go outside, I say I'm in the backyard, I'm taking Tag out to pee, be right back. If I don't then as soon as realizes he gets upsets, comes to find me, and he is mad because he thinks I left him. We are now at a point where he assumes I am in the back/front yard, and looks first. He'll adjust, don't take it personally. |
JakobandBrandonsmom wrote: I would say we could have a mother-son day, but Brandon is REALLY attached to me. If I leave the room he's in, he screams. If I leave the house, he screams and kicks & hits the door until I get back. He's got an awful case of separation anxiety that's been going on over a year now - the only place he hasn't had it is over my mom's house and preschool. Please don't get upset with me, but it's not an "awful case of separation anxiety". That is called "throwing a fit" or "tantrum". Could it be that the only reason he doesn't do it at your moms and at day care is because they "won't" tolerate it? JakobandBrandonsmom wrote: Kids should come with a laid-out set of instructions so you won't mess them up.
Actually, there is a manual with a laid-out set of instuctions so you won't mess them up. It's called the "Holy Bible". One instruction mentioned is, "spare the rod, spoil the child". It doesn't mean beat, etc........nor do I. When a child is born, placed in the crib, it immediately learns its first lesson in life. That is, either 1: this crying stuff doesn't work well OR 2: Oh, so this is how it works, I scream - they come running. The louder I scream, the faster they get here. When allowed to cry for a few minutes it teaches them patience and trust (that you are and will be there), etc. Because of your love for your sons, you're allowing them to "train" you. Mom, you must remember that the men they become, is the result of the training you instill in them now. You are their leader, their teacher. You're their mom first and foremost, and then a friend and playmate. Looking up to you and saying that, is his way of saying this. Kids have a miraculous way of teaching themselves survival techniques, if they have no leader. And, you're seeing some of them. Have you seen a mother dog with her pups. When one gets out of hand she'll snap at it, but instantly, that pup submits to gain her approval again. She later follows with kisses that reassure the pup that all is okay and mom loves me. Your young boys will do the same. We all seek leadership and approval. They're actually reaching out to you to become their leader. Sure, they may not act like it at first, but soon you will see an overall improvement. He tells you you love someone/something better than him because he's insecure. Just as with training you dog, you must be consistant, and the same with the kids. That shows them you're the alpha, this is how it is, they gain security and know mom loves them. Please don't think I'm bad mouthing. I've tried to choose my words carefully. I've dealt with my own family on these same issues. After 5 or 6 years of being "ruled" by the kids, they finally seen the light. The kids aren't the same brats they were before, and mom and dad doesn't complain all the time about how they can't manage the kids. I've yet to figure out how 30 year olds cannot manage 3 year olds??????? These are the easy years. Train them well. You'll make mistakes, we all did, but you must teach them to respect you now, before it's too late. They will love you more as the "alpha", the one they can depend on, the one they must follow, than the one "they" lead. And, in the end your lives and relationships will be happier. |
| Hi,
You know I was watching America's Funniest Video the other day and the grand prize winner of the year was a vid on a little tyke..probably not more than 18 months old. The vid showed the little guy laying on the floor crying his little heart out. You only view the legs of the mom and the family dog walking away...camera is still on the little guy. He looks around...gets up...sees where she is....throws himself on the ground and is crying those pitiful cries that breaks a mothers heart. The vid continues to show her getting up and each time the little guy stops what he is doing...looks around for her...then calmly walks into the room where she is....the repeats the whole process over and over again. The vid showed this occuring aprox 5 times. That clip was perfect to show that even at such a young age that little boy knew what he was doing and tried to manipulate the mom the best way he knew how. I am not saying they do it with malicious intent but at a young age they know and sometimes say things innocently, not realizing how much they crush us. Long ago one of my cats was killed by a BB Gun from someone driving by. A terrible horrible thing, and I was so upset that a neighbor had to retrieve my then young son from school while I cleaned up the blood in the driveway not wanting him to see it.Returning home,he knew something was wrong by the tears in my eyes and asked "what was wrong?" I explained a very sad thing happened and before I could explain, "He said , "did my dad die?' I was stunned that he would have thought that and said, " No it was Felix". He responded with cries and said "Nooooo that's even worse!" He and his dad whom was living with us at the time were very close. I have no idea what caused him to say that. Just goes to show you that sometimes our little ones will say things without thinking about how it makes us feel. Don't beat yourself over this one...sigh someday he'll be a teen and may even blurt out ..they dislike you...OWWWW like a knife wound in the heart! Still, even then, they say things in anger and dislike our power over them ...within mins most of the time all is forgotten and we're the best thing on earth again. Don't change what you do and who you are ...stand by your ground and quide them. Hugs to you. Marianne |
| I saw that video too, I laughed so hard thinking of Parker during it. He didn't do the full body thrashing tantrums, but still did tantrums. I have a drama type boy, everything is a big deal with him....he can be very frustrating somedays...I look forward to a new stage like school to start.
So how are things now that a few days have passed? Just thinkin bout you  |
| Thanks everyone. He got sick that night, so that'll do it! I just didn't realize he was feeling bad. They don't get sick often enough, and when they do, they don't really act like they feel bad until they feel terrible. He caught a stomach bug, then Brandon got it, then I got it, and then he got it again. Poor guy was sick on his birthday this week.
I just wanted to say that I say my kids drive me crazy a lot (and they do wanting constant attention but hey...I wanted the job) , but they are honestly great kids. They do their chores without complaint, help take care of the animals (both mine and my parents when we're visiting them like now - they live on a small farm), have excellent manners (saying thank you, yes/no sir/ma'am, excuse me, sorry, etc..) They play well with other children and have no problems sharing. I really have been blessed with my kids, because they are great! I'm not just saying that because I'm their mom - lol - everyone brags on them about how well behaved & how great their manners are. I know people at church are amazed they both can sit through Bible study and a sermon without a peep from either of them.
As for Brandon, I know his temper tantrums. He throws more than his fair share of them. When I leave, this is completely different. He is terrified. I think part of it is that I'm the only constant in his life. My husband is in the military, and for the past month, he's pretty much been gone. He's going to be gone longer because he's being deployed overseas. He's only 2, so he really doesn't understand that his Daddy has to leave. He just knows he's home one day, and then the next, he's gone for months at a time. I'm an at home mom, so I'm always with him. My husband has been deployed a majority of his life, so I think that's why he clings on to me so much. With my oldest son, my husband was home a lot more often - because this was before the war on terror really got started. He was deployed when he was 7 mo old for 6 months, but he was too young to realize it then. Then, his deployments were spaced about a year apart. Now, they're closer and closer together. Jakob is old enough now to sorta realize what's going on. Nothing else, he knows what GI Joes are, and I tell him that his Daddy has to do his GI Joe job (hoping no military take offense but it's the only way my newly 4 yr old understands). Not the best answer, but it works. Brandon isn't quite at the point to where he understands yet. He's constantly asking me "Where's Daddy at?" and I keep having to tell him that he's at work. We get one phone call a week, but only 15 minutes (and that's if the operator is nice and doesn't cut us off early) - not nearly enough time for him to reconnect with me and our boys. So...I definitely understand why he has such awful separation anxiety. I can only imagine how he feels when the only parent who's constantly there leaves him...he doesn't know that I'm not coming back for months. Not blaming my husband's job or the military, just trying to put it in a 2 year old's perspective. I'm sure as he gets older, he'll start to understand more and things will get better. Although, I hope that things calm down and deployments everywhere lessen! Until then, I'm just going to keep having the patience to deal with it. It won't be long before he'll be too embarrassed to want any kisses, cuddles, or attention as quickly as my boys are growing up!
Gail (JakobandBrandonsmom) |
| oh - and I just wanted to apologize for being so late getting back to this. Needless to say, with my husband being gone, us being sick, a Birthday, etc... things have been quite busy! I've missed this board.
Gail (JakobandBrandonsmom) |
| My heart goes out to you. You have a tough job. All the families with loved ones in the military deserve (and have) my greatest respect and admiration. Your baby needs you and it sounds like you are doing a great job.
My daughter threw tantrums at that age (every kid is different). My MOST embarressing moment was a shopping trip to a fancy department store, Sarah was about 2 1/2. We passed by the ladies hats (this was 20 years ago, you could still by fancy hats). Sarah decided they were for her to play dress up......... when I told her no she promptly flung herself to the ground and launched into a tantrum the likes of which I had never seen. Drew quite a crowd!!!! Luckily the floor was carpeted so the head banging didn't injure her. Lordy it seemed like it went on for hours (was only a few minutes), the looks I got from passerbys made me want to sink into the floor. But we survived. Now we can laugh about it. As Oprah says, being a Mom is the hardest job there is. You are Mom and Dad a great deal of the time and that is even harder. You deserve a medal!!!  |
So should I be looking forward TO or HIDING from my new kiddo on the way?  j/k
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| Maybe a little of BOTH!!!!! |
Joahaeyo wrote: So should I be looking forward TO or HIDING from my new kiddo on the way?
j/kLOL - definitely something to look forward to It has its hard moments, but the rewards are ten fold! |
| There you go, even 2 yr olds and 4 yr old's can have bad days...nothing to take personally. You're doing an awesome job mom, and those boys are lucky to have you as their constant role model. Just remember to give yourself a break once in awhile. |
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