But nothing makes me feel better. I know this will pass but I want it to pass NOW. I really want my stomach to stop hurting. It stops hurting when I'm busy, but I don't want to be busy all the time because I want to process my grief.
So tell me I will feel better tomorrow. Tell my my stomach will stop hurting. Tell me I'll be able to ride Bob the Wonder Pony again (weather and my mom and other stuff have not allowed me to ride for 2 months). Tell me a joke, tell me anything.
|Paula, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Even when it is expected, it is devastating. Moms are probably one of the biggest influences in our lives. |
My mom passed away over 20 years ago and there isn't a day I don't miss her. And there are still days I cry. She was my best friend and as she would say, "I love you from hell to breakfast".I even have dreams about her and I wake up crying. I once read about the 'invisable cord' that keeps us connected to moms. Nothing can break that cord, not even death. I know she still watches over me and there are times I feel her presence. The pain eventually gets better but everyone's time table is different. But I don't think it ever really goes away.
I'm sure you have wonderful memories of her and the things you did together. Think of her laugh, the sound of her voice,funny things that happened and special times only you and she shared. And if you listen to your heart, she is probably telling you she will always be with you and guide you. She is also letting you know how much she loves you and what a joy you have been to her. She has given you the strength and courage to live life and not to greive her passing because she is in a much better place where there is no pain. For me, I hope I am reunited with her and my dad someday. I will always miss them.
You want a joke?
What does a 500 lb canary say while he is walking down the alley?
"HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!!!!!
If large busted women work for Hooters, where do 1 legged women work?
I know it's sick, but the answer is: IHOP!!!!!
|Paula...I also lost my mom about 26 years ago. We were extremely close and there was not a day that went by that we didn't talk (sometimes 2 or 3) times a day . She died of a sudden brain hemmorage at age 56. Very quick. Very devastating. She was my anchor in life. I knew that whatever I did....she may not have understood, or agreed with it...but she would always, always be there and love me UNconditionally. In my mind...NO ONE, not a husband or a child or anyone loves like a mother. It was very hard to find the joy again. But, eventually, I did. |
I know, in my heart and soul, I made her happy and I was there for her whenever she needed me, up until the end. Like you...I really loved her for who she was, not just because she was 'mom'.
Maybe you can take comfort that you were always available. that she counted on you. She knew she was loved and cherished. That is such a special and rare gift.
I miss my mom every day. I think of her and 'talk' to her. I also dream about her and wake up crying. I know she is with me. I know her loves transcends time....and I know, one day, when my time comes, she will be the first to greet me, welcome me home.
I hope this helps. I know what you are going through.
|I wish that I could say that there was something magical that will make it stop hurting. I was very close to my father, who passed away ten years ago. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him and miss him. I remember at the time being shocked at how physical the pain was. I had never experienced that before. I was also shocked at how I could have several days of being so good about it, would think that finally, I am past the worst, then out of the blue something would remind me of him and whoosh, it would all come back. As trite as it sounds, time does heal. There would be more days between those rushes of sadness. I remember at the start wondering if I would always remember him with sadness. Slowly but surely things did get easier. So I guess, in the end, there IS something magical that helps, and that is time. So keep doing what you are doing. Eat and exercise. Use your support systems. Remember the best things about your mother and slowly but surely it will get easier.|
Paula, this too shall pass. It sounds trite, but in my experience, it has been true. It might take a little longer than you first thought, but the pain will eventually lessen with time.
My experience is much like Kim's (Mady's Mum), as I lost my father just over a year ago (Christmas Eve, 2009), when he was 67 years old. He and I were very close, and he was best buddies with my husband as well. We were the Three Musketeers, and did everything together since my dad's retirement in 1997. In the first few months, every single thing we did reminded us of my dad, as he was very active and involved in so many things in our daily lives. The pain was raw and immediate, and I did ALOT of sobbing. Hubby couldn't even mention my dad and we would both end up in tears. I would make dinner and reach for the phone to see if Dad wanted to come over.....that sort of stuff.
As time passed, and we got through all of the "firsts" - first New Year's, first Father's Day, first birthday, etc - it did get better. Christmas 2010 was "the last of the firsts", so we have passed a milestone. I also dream about him, just did last night, and sometimes I don't want to wake up and lose him all over again. I still cry from time to time, when it catches me unaware, but for the most part, I can talk about him, and remember him without the raw pain and the tears.
It's only been a little over a month for you, so don't try and rush things. It will take as long as it takes.
I think it's great that you have a therapist, and objective outsider, to discuss this with and guide you through the process. And it is, definitely, a process, which is different for everyone.
|Paula, I know what your going thru. My mother lived with us the last few months of her life and we lost her on Thanksgiving 2006, mostly I guess I grieved for what should have been. I lost my father in 1987 and like Kim and Lauri he was my hero. After my bad marriage and divorce he was there for the kids and I in all ways. We wouldn't have made it without him. |
After I remarried he was there to help us with anything we needed and I know I didn't give to him as much as he did us. Not because I didn't want to but life sometimes got in the way. Those are the things you regret.
I do hope I can see him again and tell him how much I really love him.
|It will be two years in April and reading this I'm crying. I still want to pick up the phone and call her.|
You are right, in the beginning its a physical pain. Almost unbearable. As others have said, trite but it does get better. Give yourself time, its not an instant thing. Go Visit with Bob, I know that Simon helped me heal.
|I lost my mother 5 1/2 years ago, after many years of decline and dementia. The dementia was likely the result of a devastating ruptured aneurysm when she was only 42. Her death was not unexpected, and in fact, it was a mercy as she had gone through several cycles of pneumonia, congestive heart failure, renal failure on top of the ever increasing dementia. I was with her when she passed away, holding her hand, in fact. Despite that, it took the nurses pronouncing her to make mre realize that she was at last free of the pain and sickness and confusion that consumed so many of her last months, despite excellent care. |
The next week, we learned that my father, who had had COPD for a long time, dependent on oxygen for 8 years, also had leukemia. We lost him about 9 weeks later.
All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just stay there until I quit hurting. Fortunately for me, my job had been so kind in giving me a lot of time off to go down to visit my parents and I really could not take more time off. So instead of being able to just crawl into bed, I had to haul myself out of bed 5 days a week and go to work. It was awful but it was also a blessing. And if I had not had that, I would have had to find something else to do, some volunteer work, something to help me forget my own grief for a while and remember that there were those who needed my help. I was also lucky that I was able to make some meaningful donations in my parents' memories. That really helped. I still make home made noodles at Thanksgiving every year, just like my mother did. And I still make her potato salad. I still have an afghan she made me before her stroke. My kids have quilts she cross stitched from kits when they were babies. These mean a great deal.
But for a long time, I felt like I had been dragged through barbed wire, then dipped in battery acid. Every nerve ending in my body and my mind seemed seared with pain. After a while I felt more like it was only salt water in my wounds. I made a conscious effort to look for things to appreciate; the early morning sun. A hawk on a branch on the side of the road. The way the fields rolled into each other on the farms I passed. A bit of music on the radio. My children's faces. My dogs. My friends. After a while, it hurt less. Now, I still miss both my parents very much. I am crying as I write this, but I know that these tears won't last. I still feel my parents' presence each day. I see them in my children's faces and manners, I hear their voices in my head. I feel them in my heart and I know they are with me always. Just out of sight for now.
|It will stop hurting so much, and you will start to feel better. Some of the pain you feel now will be replaced by warm feelings and memories. Joan and I frequently mention how her mother would have liked this and that, or that my mother would have been laughing about something on TV. Then we have a moment of sadness and reflection... And a smile. A smile remembering how great an impact they have had and continue to have in our lives. |
You'll get there. I promise. Until then, let me put my arm around your shoulder for a bit.
|All I can share is|
|Oh Paula, I didn't know. I'm so terribly sorry.|
When my mom died (she was only 53) I never thought I would stop crying or feeling like myself again. I did feel like my "old" self again. For months, each day I'd pick up the phone to call her. But after awhile...a long while...I felt like my "new" self. I never really stopped hurting, but I can cope with it. A day does not pass that I don't miss her, or think of her.
I'm now 8 years older than she was when she died. But I still feel like her little girl
My heart and deepest sympathies go out to you. Please call me so we can get together.
G-d bless her soul.
|Oh, Paula! I can so relate to your feelings. My mom has been gone over 20 years now. She passed totally unexpectedly at age 58. I remember for at least six months driving an hour to work in tears, doing my job then driving home another hour in full-blown tears. All the days I'd catch myself thinking "Mom would love that" or "Mom and I could just take the day and go shopping there". There are still the dreams that she's still here. The birthdays, anniversaries, holidays... They are all still reminders of her.|
Be strong, it WILL get better. The sadness will be replaced by fond memories and good times you shared with her. Right now it feels like you'll never get over it but you eventually go on with your life. Things will never be the same, a large chapter of your life is closed, but you learn to adapt. It's not easy but few things in life are.
| Dear Paula, I think I understand! |
My grief for Merlin is no longer acute but it took seven months for the pain of loss to dull and then only after worse events took place. My mother died fifteen years ago but the sense of loss is still there. I think that nowadays, it dosen't help that the conventional wisdom supports the idea that we should "get over it and move on"!
The Victorians were far more attuned to the realities of being human inspite of the bad press they have had in our time. Then, it was considered normal and right to feel the loss of a beloved parent or other for an extended period of time. What you describe despite the pain is normal and it will pass.
Meantime, remember that many of us wish you well and send you good thoughts and hugs.
|Paula, I am so sorry you lost your Mom. Even when you expect it, it is still devastating. You are so right, the pain is not just emotional, it is very physical too. It WILL ease...in time...but there is no definitive time line for when that happens. I so understand how you wish that time would pass quickly and it would be six months from now already, so you could feel a little better. You are right to give yourself time to process the grief. |
What helped me was to remember that I was feeling something, and that was a good thing, as there were days when I had to remind myself to breathe. Then, I reminded myself that what I was feeling was the direct result of having loved someone so much and being loved in return...but if that was the price I had to pay, then it was so worth it. As awful as it was, it was still worth it to have loved them and had them in my life.
The only thing that really heals is time...words can help...but it is time that heals...
You will feel better. Your stomach will stop hurting. You will be able to ride Bob the Wonder Pony again. You will.
|Oh, Paula I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Mom. I read your post and then started to read others, but I too started crying. Even just thinking about a future loss of my Mom makes me cry, gives me a pit in my stomach and makes me feel hollow inside. I can only fathom what you are feeling right now. I know this isn't what you want to hear except that from reading others messages you know you're normal and not alone. Wish I could take your pain away|
|Paula, I am so sorry about your Mom I lost my Mom about four years ago. She lived with us as she became very ill and needed care. She passed in our house, with all of us by her side. My Mom was the life of the party, the crazy woman who chased us around with a net trying to get us out of the pool when we were little, she loved to dress up for Halloween and attempt to sing to us. She was really alot of fun.|
When she passed, she left a hole in all our hearts. I know what you're going through. I find some comfort knowing she knew she was loved and she died in peace and is now in a better place, free from fear and pain. I find comfort in talking about her and remembering the good times. I feel she is with me now like a guardian angel.
The physical pain you are feeling will ease. But it never really goes away completely. And its okay to miss her and think of her. Feel her strength, she is with you and will keep you safe.
Sending my thoughts and prayers out to you and your family...Now, go ride that horse. Your Mom wants you to...
|My mom passed 2 months ago.I'm very sad and miss her very much!!|
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