Bah Humbug
My apologies first. I'm thinking that my Christmas cards will be late. Still working on getting them printed. We changed ideas late and after we had the envelopes printed so there is still work to be done. My oldest brother from Portland called me last week and told me he is having Christmas this year after he and his wife fly in on the first..of Jan. He has four kids with SO's and five grandchildren. I've been thinking about this since his call. I have not seen or heard from his kids since last Christmas, and before that it was the Christmas before. I don't know the grandchildren because I see them only once a year for a few hours. I have always bought gifts($25.00 is my limit) for any child under 20 in my family. The older ones got a small gift usually under $10.00. I called brother #2 to get his take on this. He never got a call. Guess he's not invited. Waiting for a call back from Brother #3. Actually, now that I think of it the call was just to let me know his intentions, no actual invite. My thought is why should I go out and struggle to buy gifts for people that are virtual strangers? I knew these folks when they were kids but not any longer. I don't see them, don't talk to them but for once a year. When I talked to brother #2 I invited him, his wife and daughter for Christmas...here. When I talk to Brother #3 I will invite him and his three kids for Christmas...here. Thats it. At least with these two brothers, I talk a couple times through the year. In case you're wondering,,,yes we are a disfunctional, splintered family. Now to figure out a time when I can get my Christmas tree set up. Bah Humbug  |
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| If you aren't that close why worry about buying presents for people that really don't appear to appreciate them. Even keeping the amt down on what you spend it adds up, better to spend on the fur-kids or people that are really close to you. Just my take on this. We only buy for our kids and grandkids and other family members do the same. Keeps it a little simpler. |
| Why oh why do holidays have to be so complicated???? I'm sorry that the situation seems to be sucking the joy out of your Christmas celebration. In my family, I invite all of my siblings and their families here the weekend before Christmas. Two weeks ago, my mom was already making excuses as to why she wouldn't be there. (Don't ask.) I have one brother who won't come either. I have decided that I will NOT allow them to disrupt my enjoyment of all of the holiday prep and my celebration. Their loss. I have also made it clear that under no circumstances are we adults exchanging gifts. It took me years to end this practice. (My Christmas present list, and I am not exaggerating, used to be over 50 people, not including all of the folks we tip for yearly service.  It was insane to shop and wrap. Insane.)So don't boycott Christmas. Boycott your brother! Make yourself a nice cup of hot cocoa, decorate your tree and plan for your own celebration with your brothers. Laurie and Oscar |
| Exactly why Frank Costanza celebrates "FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS". Get your pole out, shine it up and invite them all to a good meal and the "Airing of Greivances" to follow. |
| I'm with you Pam. My family is dysfunctional and splintered, and I like it that way! I have a sister I don't talk to; one I like, and a decent mom. But they are all over seas in Australia. Here I have no part of dealing with my dad and his family, and Adam has very little family of his own. I get presents for Adam, sometimes for my mother and one sister (sometimes not; I'm just not that organized) gifts for a few friends, and thats it. Adams not good at gift giving; I still haven't gotten anything from him for my birthday which was in October. He says he's making me something. I guess one day it will be done. I often will buy myself something, wrap it, and put it under the tree from my cats. Oddly, the dogs don't get me presents. Do I miss how holidays used to be? When I was a kid, and everyone seemed happy and loving, and we could look forward to presents on Christmas morning. Ironic, coming from a Jew, but yes. However, I don't mind how they are now. I think its preferable to spending them with people I have to pretend to like, and am then obligated to buy something for. Some holidays I get a house full of people; usually friends that cannot take another holiday with their so-called "loved ones". This year all is quiet. I'm a little sad about it, but again, I think its better than the other options! |
| I'm sorry your holidays are becomning so difficult but I second the notion "Bah Hubug" to Christmas! I get so tired of hearing everyone stressed out and shopping for expensive items they can't afford and relatives making ridiculous demands..The holidays are for being with family and friends and enjoying the TIME together...But it has sprialed out of control Try to enjoy the holiday...I also have a super dysfunctional family and my theory is...I can pick my friends but I'm stuck with my family.....Try to make the bst of it... |
| Don't feel bad. Half of our family is shunning us at the moment with no end in sight. We are just waiting for the rest of them to follow suit. |
baileesdad wrote: Exactly why Frank Costanza celebrates "FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS". Get your pole out, shine it up and invite them all to a good meal and the "Airing of Greivances" to follow. I'm not sure Pam should be doing any pole dancing considering her back problems this year  But otherwise, sounds good to me. Pam - Sybil's with you. I'll try to find the pic that says it all....May take a while  KB |
OK, this one's for you, Pam. Sybi'ls got your sentiments covered:  Kristine |
| Sybil's got it right! Since my surgery my back is all better  |
| ...so that means the pole IS an option??? I just finished my shopping today - so that's good.  We do just mostly practical stuff. I have the kids make a wish list, and I pick and choose. Only rule is that things are even...3 kids and it needs to be "fair". And we never really spend that much. I never charge anything or go into debt for Christmas. And this year with Todd on unemployment still, the whole budget just got smaller. The kids understand, we are more about family than about getting presents, thank goodness.  We do a gift exchange with Todd's family - buy one gift for one other family member. So I buy one for the SIL whose name I drew, Todd does the same for the brother/BIL he drew. And the gift is just $15 for the adults (graduated from HS) and $10 between the kids. Each cousin gets a cousin gift for the person who's name they drew. It makes you be creative. We get together for a great potluck meal and have a nice evening. |
| Next Christmas, all of us who have problem families should get together for a Sheepie Christmas Day dinner. We'd be with people, people that we like, people that we get along with. And dogs too! |
Paula O. wrote: Next Christmas, all of us who have problem families should get together for a Sheepie Christmas Day dinner. We'd be with people, people that we like, people that we get along with. And dogs too! I like this idea alot! We'll need a central location thats big enough to house us all. That barn on Dawn's christmas card might fit the bill!!!! |
Darth Snuggle wrote: Paula O. wrote: Next Christmas, all of us who have problem families should get together for a Sheepie Christmas Day dinner. We'd be with people, people that we like, people that we get along with. And dogs too! I like this idea alot! We'll need a central location thats big enough to house us all. That barn on Dawn's christmas card might fit the bill!!!! It certainly would be BIG enough, but I doubt it would be WARM enough! Maybe for the dogs...but not humans.  |
Please count me in on next christmas sheepie dinner!!!! Great idea!!!  |
| Boy-- does this ring all too familiar. Those of you that have been on the forum for awhile know our never ending saga with my husband's family.... I sent letters to everyone this year, asking ( once more) to put aside differences and get together on Christmas eve. Some are coming, some not. The Sister, who is the cause of all this, said she would be here, if I wasn't. So, in their minds, hubby needs to decide between me, or a sister that didn't even have the decency to attend her own Father's funeral. Can we have the dinner THIS YEAR? On the flip side, we have already had one Christmas get together with my family, and another one this Sunday. WE all get along. Most of the time |
| We need a barn warmer! Sheep, sheepdogs, oes.org members, hay! Sounds too tempting. |
| WE AGREE WITH RON! PARTY TIME!!! |
| I am working on a really terrible cold, so please forgive me if I misunderstood the first post. If I understand you correctly, your brother is flying in to Wisconsin from Portland OREGON on January first to have a belated Christmas celebration with his WI family? The same brother who is old enough to have grown children and grand children? I don't understand the issue. Surely it is not practical for him to fly his entire extended family half way across the country to be in WI on Christmas day. And surely some of those grown children have to balance their own family visits with those of their spouses. And I have no idea how old the grandchildren are, but it sounds like they are perhaps old enough to be writing their own thank yous? I don't blame you at all for feeling the need to cut back on who you send gifts to. It sounds like an exhausting and expensive proposition. I wonder if maybe your siblings might be grateful for a scaled back celebration that focused more on family and shared interests and memories and catching up than on giving stuff to people you rarely see. But if I were you, I would be thrilled my brother and any part of his family were coming as part of the holidays? If it's a few days after Christmas, why not just think of it as prolonging the holiday, rather than ruining it? How often do you visit him? Of course, I am the one who moved away from my family at age 21 (really, I left when I went to college, but until I was 20, spent summers and vacations at home). My parents grew up in that county. My sisters all live in the same town we grew up in. 2 live 4 doors apart; the other lives in our family home, about a mile away. For most of my adult years, I have lived at least 500 miles away. For a few years, it was under 200 and I was very happy for the shorter distance: I could go for long weekends more often. But hubby desperately wanted to change jobs and that meant another relocation. And of course, we've always lived at least 500 miles from his family, which is about 250 miles from my family. Which opened the whole can of worms: whose family do we visit for Thanksgiving? Whose for Christmas? It was further complicated by the fact that my parents divorced. No matter which we chose, someone was not happy. And it seemed as though everyone kept score such that we lost. We decided not to try to go back at Christmas but to visit each family during the summer. We welcomed our families whenever t hey could come. Which was rare, except that I always had my mom visit a couple of times a year for a couple of weeks or longer, if I could convince her. She was disabled by a stroke and not only was it a visit for us but also respite for my sister who lived with her (this is part of the conflict: I left and they stayed.) My dad used to visit for a few days before Christmas every year until he became too sick to do so. My kids loved those visits. My husband and I did, too. But my sisters rarely visited, although they found time to take vacations to Disney world and the ocean. My kids only vacations were to visit grand parents. My sisters could not be bothered to alter their schedules at all to be able to spend time with us when we were in town. Oh, they might. If it was convenient. One sister did it if she could drop her kid off for the rest of us to babysit. I used to beg them to come one at a time, so I could spend time with just one sister and her family. But they always came in a group and hung together as a group. I was just there to provide meals and something to complain about. For many reasons that are too long and complicated to go into here--and just too sad--after our parents died, I became estranged from my sisters. From their point of view, I moved away which was a selfish, self centered thing to do. From my point of view, I moved away, which I had decided I would do when I was about 9 or 10. I worked very hard for a long time, up until a few years after our parents died (at which point my youngest child was 18), to make sure my kids knew their families. They always marveled that my kids never acted like they were strangers. Of course not: they grew up hearing about their grandparents, aunts, uncles all their lives. And we visited as often as we possibly could. It got hard and complicated once kids started high school but we did what we could, when we could. It was always too far for them to visit me. I left the town where I grew up but I didn't leave my family. They did decide that because I made different choices than they did that I had abandoned the family. From my point of view, because I made different choices than they did, they feel justified in abandoning me. Be glad your brother can visit! Enjoy your holidays! Share memories and make some new ones. Take that money you were going to spend on gifts for great nieces/nephews and make a family portrait! Or at least buy a nice digital camera and pass it around, snapping as many pictures as you can! Share the photos online! Create a memory book and pass it around! Be grateful for what you have instead of being hurt by what you don't. And please, find it in your heart to forgive me if I've gotten the whole situation wrong or if I am too preachy. I know I am too long winded. Merry Christmas and have a nice cup of tea with me! |
| Sometimes you just can't please everyone and I guess it will never be the Norman Rockwell Day we all try so hard to achieve. My husband was military for 20 years...good reasons not to have to be home and spilit ourselves apart pleasing both sides of the family. We made a point to go home with our girls every 3-5 years...my Mom was great as she always invited my inlaws to dinner Christmas Day so we wouldn't have to go to both places. This was great as both families met in the middle. Years we didn't go home we always welcomed family to visit and often they came day after or for Christmas...I worked SO hard those years to cook the right things, buy the perfect thoughtful gifts etc...I was always exhausted Christmas night but content that it was another good Christmas. My daughters grew up LOVING Christmas but always said they loved it best when we stayed home and had such relaxing Christmas days just hanging out together! We lost our daughter at 19 in an accident and now only have one daughter, married with a 2 yr old and 6 mth old. We even bought a second home two miles away so we could live near her in the winter months and help her as husband doesn't do much at home...she decided this year Christmas was going to be at home with her two little ones in the relaxing warm environment she treasured growing up. The past three years my husband and I went to her home for Christmas breakfast and then they went to inlaws for Christmas dinner in the evening. Well when she invited us and her inlaws for Christmas lunch at her house this year as she wants to stay home her inlaws informed her husband they didn't want to share Christmas dinner with us, her parents and they were having dinner at their house in the evening with his sister and husband. She is adamant that she isn't going with children out late (they live an hour away) and he can go without them. I hate this...I hate to see anyone upset Christmas but honestly parents do need to let their grown children have their Christmas with their children...pleasing others isn't worth giving up time with your own children. On the other hand my husband ate at Hardee's last year dinner as nothing was open...for 3 years we didn't really have Christmas dinner and would have preferred either cooking it or sharing with daughter and grandchild. My soninlaws family have no idea how we all miss our Leslie Christmas day...ater 13 years it still hurts alot and we really miss her as she so loved Christmas. Why are they making it hard for my daughter? They go to a big family reunion Christmas Eve with his family as well...it's an all day get together so we don't really see them Christmas Eve either...we will go to her house for Christmas dinner at 1 this year and I pray her inlaws figure it out...Christmas is being with those we love and sometimes it just can't always be the way we want it! We would meet our Leslie anywhere, anytime just to spend another Christmas day with her...if only it was that simple. Try and be understanding, forgiving, and willing to give during what should be a great day for all. I also think it doesn't have to be all just on Christmas Day...we would take any day of the year to have another day with our Leslie! The most important thing is just being together...the people who love to make drama will always make drama no matter what...sometimes we just have to smile and say, that's them! I wish my sisters and my brother and I could be closer at times but we all have put our immediate families first over the years...however they were here for me when we lost Leslie and I am here for them if they need someone. Don't let a tradgy be the reason you connect with family...I think you can forgive the little things and still be there for each other...distance has never changed that for us. I know we should see one another, and be together more but it's just the way life is...we all live in different states. Sorry so long...I do get carried away when thinking about family...I guess the bottom line is you can't please everyone, sometimes you just have to accept them for what they are or what the times bring...just try to remember we don't have tommorrow promised. |
I'm sorry about the loss of your precious daughter.  Thankyou for sharing and putting things in perspective.  |
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