The weekend was great until I woke up this moring and realized I didn't call my Dad yesterday on his 60th birthday. As some of you know, my relationship with my Dad has never been very good. At best, it's corgial and tolerable. There have been many times where it's awful, this being one of them. My Dad told me that he's tired of my $%& and is through with me. He's never worked on himself or our relationship other than to berate and criticize. I do believe my stepmom fuels the fire further. This is how it has been for 20 years so I don't think it will get better. I'm tired of his #$^ too. He will never apologize to me, so I guess that's it. Anyone have experience with toxic parents and how to deal with them not being in your life?
|Stacy, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this with your Dad. You're probably right (remembering from your past posts) that his wife is feeding the fire. It's not healthy for you to have to deal with all this.
All I can suggest is that you either call your Dad or send him an email and just apologize for forgetting his birthday, that it wasn't intentional and that you hope you can both get this behind you and continue (or start) a good relationship. From there, the ball is in his court. If he doesn't respond, at least you know you tried and you can do your best to get on with your life with no regrets. I hope he wants to keep you in his life. If he doesn't, it's him who will be losing out the most.
My heart goes out to you. Let us know how you make out.
|I'm sorry to hear Stacy.
Almost makes the weekend away pointless with something like this to wreck it. ((hugs))
|Oh Stacy I didn't see my father from the time I was 16 years old. He left my Mom when I was 9. She never remarried and grew to be a very lonely person. I in turn and this may sound harsh am glad I didn't communicate with him. My Mom made me do it until I was older but once I learned to talk back to her. I didn't want to hear how stupid or bad I was. He never had a nice thing to say to me because I didn't think like him. When he passed I did go to the wake but the hurt was still there most likely it will never go away but I just could not be hurt any more.|
|If it's been this way for 20 years then forget it. It won't get better unless he decides to change himself. There's nothing you can do. It sounds like you have more heartache than good that comes with this relationship. If it were a boyfriend, your friends would have told you to dump him long ago. Your father treats you like that because he knows he can. Remove yourself from the equation and only then he may realize how important his daughter is to him and how he has to learn to treat you with respect to have you in his life.|
|I'm sorry Stacy!!
Geez, I'd be thrilled if my kids remembered my Birthday A WEEK late!! It definately does sound like he's getting some coaching from the new wife. I agree with Jill, your Father treats you like that because he gets away with it.
I'd back off a bit and try to save yourself some pain.
|Sorry you had to have that intrude on what otherwise sounds like a nice relaxing weekend.
I am grateful I have a good relationship with all of my parents LOL (step parents too)
They may not always agree with what I do, or when or how, but they keep it to themselves for the most part and are very supportive.
I hope you are able to find a way around this, to somehow not let it bother you, but I know it's easier said than done. *hugs*
|Thanks everyone. Yea, it would be so much easier if this was a boyfriend or friend. Instead, it's my Dad
He thinks I'm disrespectful and defensive as I do stand up for myself. He always says, "I knew you'd respond like this". I dragged him to therapy a number of years ago and he definitely didn't want to be there. My therapist flat out told me he's a narcissist and it's a waste of time to try to figure him out. Therefore, none of the issues have ever really been addressed just danced around.
How could I have descended from this person?
Oh yea, the $10 gift card I received for my birthday this year was a tit for tat for giving my Dad gift cards with the denominations of $20. Shouldn't a good Dad not even expect a gift from his children?
|You could send him a birthday card, reminding him it's time for his colonoscopy.|
|Thanks Ron that would go over well at least I got a laugh out of it but I don't think he would. Maybe just my sick sense of humor|
You could send him a birthday card, reminding him it's time for his colonoscopy.
Did I ever tell you that Dad's name is also Ron?
You wouldn't let anyone else treat you like this....so why let him just because he is related to you.
He obviously does not treasure you as a daughter. I think it is time to cut the ties. You don't have to even let him know what you are doing....just stop calling writing or whatever you do to keep in touch with him. If he truly cares about you he will contact you....if he doesn't then you know where you stand with him.
Frankly he sounds like he is someone you will be better off without.
|Did I ever tell you my last name?|
|I'm sorry you are going through this but personally I think you should write him off too. While I'm sure he was hurt that you forgot his birthday, I think it's HORRIBLE that he treated you that way. Harsh words like that can never be taken back. It seems like he feeds off of you crawling back to him, and I think that maybe some space will be good. His warped image of how you should behave as a daughter will only get worse as senility sets in. As much as I believe in forgiveness, it sounds like your mental health really needs this break. I feel so bad for you, I can't even imagine if my parents treated me like that. I'm glad that you've been talking to therapists to help you heal from him. Unfortunately you can't pick your parents.|
|I think it's time to go back to the therapist to get past this again. Over the years things have gotten better, but apparently it's bad again. It's like he just waits for me to "screw up" or go in another direction from the script he has in his head.
Many years ago, he told me that if I didn't accept my stepmom, then he wasn't my father I've never forgotten those words or any other things he's said to me or my Mom. I know it's not healthy to not forgive, but I definitely can't forget. He really only has me and my stepmom to be close to. His Dad died a number of years ago and they didn't have the best relationship either. My Grandpa stayed very close with my Mom all those years and would say "what a shame" about the divorce. According to my Mom, they used to get in fights and not talk for a long period either. Life sucks!
|Stacy I have not seen or had any contact with my Hubbys father for 10 years, do I miss him? NO!!!! My husband wiped him off out of his life after all the rotten things he did to our family. Decision time, you can either keep trying for some sort of relationship which is obviously causing a lot of stress & problems. Or you can just forget him for now and get on with your own lives with less stress in it.
Maybe then he might or might not realise how much you mean to him.
You know the old saying, you can pick your friends but you can't choose your family. Just accept it one way or the other, otherwise it is like a sore, festering inside and causing constant dramas & problems. You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you keep trying, some people are just that way inclined.
|Thank you all for your support!|
I dont know you very well, and therefore dont know much about your specific situation, but I've had to make the choice of wether to give up on relatives and move on without them myself, and I know how VERY hard that is. One thing I would say, is that in a way you CAN choose your family...we do it all the time, when we get married, make friends or adopt a dog. I'm a "rescue pup" myself, (I was adopted by my wonderful foster-parents at the age of 13) and have always felt that I was very lucky to have had the chance to choose who my "real" parents were going to be. I have had to make as clean a break with my family-of-origin as possible for my own mental as well as physical well being. This doesnt always mean forever, either, I've begun some very tentative efforts at re-connecting with my Dad, and so far its been a good thing. Whatever happens, though, my CHOSEN family will always be the most important! Hug your pups, and reflect on what a great person THEY think you are!
My father was an alcoholic who totally neglected his 8 children....and treated my mom like dirt, before they separated. I never had a relationship with him, even growing up in the same household.....(How can you get to know someone who is either at the bar or passed out at home?)
As an adult I sometimes give him a call.....say, twice a year, maybe... No birthday cards, father's day card or anything from me....But he doesn't extend that courtesy either, so there are no expectations.
Our relationship is on MY terms....and I like it that way....But when we do chat it is short and sweet, and up-beat....He knows nothing about what is going on in my life, and doesn't really care.
I wouldn't recommmend severing ties, as you may regret that later, but you certainly can maintain an artificial father-daughter connection, as that appears to be what he wants.....and it may be the only thing that works for you.
If I were you I would step back, don't attempt any communication for a few weeks, then drop him an unemotional letter, card or email..of about 4 lines...Just checking in....that's it.
Whatever you decide to do make sure it is what YOU want, and don't let him manipulate you or put you into a position of vulnerability...
I am so sorry. You have been given some great advice.
I agree that you shouldn't completely severe ties with him.
But also don't let him push your buttons. If you do decide to continue a relationship, you do it on your terms.
|I still vote for the email colonoscopy reminder. There MUST be a card for that online somewhere.
It's a way to say that you care.
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