Portage's health is in its final decline. Long, sad post.
About two weeks ago I came home and couldn't find him. He left in an area that includes two bedrooms, a hallway, and a bathroom. No Portage. I found him in the TV room. He had pushed the door open, fell, and knocked it shut. He's in diapers, but I'm sure he struggled for hours to get back up (slippery floor, hence the reason the door is kept shut - turns out doorknob had broken), and thus pooped in his diaper, and thus wiggled out of his diaper, covering himself, the floor, and a carpeted area in the beforementioned poop. When I opened the door he was hysterical. I ran in, grabbed him, and picked him up. He fell over repeatedly and couldn't stand. I helped him as he dragged his back legs behind down the hallway to the water bowl in the bedroom, sobbing hysterically. Next he dragged himself down the stairs (legs behind) and I carried his backend out the door to the backyard. There I held him up against my body and washed him from head to toe. He dragged himself back in and fell fast asleep on the carpet. I was hysterical. I ran to change my now poopy clothes and called our vet. They said bring him right in. I called my hubby and told him to come home right now. He works an hour away, so I had lots of time to wait as I couldn't lift Portage. I laid down on the floor and wrapped my arms around him and held him while I waited. I cried and cried and told him I loved him. I said my goodbyes and talked about what a great dog he's been. I'm crying even thinking about it now. For an hour he slept solidly. Gordon finally got home, ran into the house, and found us. Portage woke up and was happy to see him. He struggled to get up. I lifted his bum for him and he stood on his own. He walked over to see his daddy (weakly, but better). Of course my husband didn't see what I did, so he insisted that there was no way we'd be taking Portage in to the vet. I refused to cancel the appointment, so he made the call. We had such a battle. A week later he agreed to take Portage in. (He's stabilized by then.) Our vet agreed that Portage is declining now, and that we'll have to say goodbye in the near future. He's such a kind man, and he talked about being caregivers, and safeguarding his well-being (all the things I said but hubby couldn't hear from me). He mentioned that, in a month or so, it will snow here and that Portage will no longer be able to go outside. (He's unstable on his feet, and is starting to drag his right back foot more often. When he's tired he bends his foot over and stands on his toes. He can often fix it, but it's too hard to lift his leg up high enough when he's tired. He still goes out for three happy walks each day, but sleeps the rest of the time.) I've been dreading the snow. I've known this all along. When I said it to my husband I was "too eager to say goodbye." Now that our vet has said it, it "makes good sense, but hurts." I'm glad my hubby is starting to see it. I think we're right on the threshold between still having a quality life and keeping him with us for selfish reasons. So, we've put him on T3s (great meds). Since he doesn't have a lot of time we're not worrying about the kidney/liver concerns. He's much more comfortable now, but still really weak. I want him to live forever, of course, but I really don't want him to suffer. I'm really sad, but I understand it. It's so hard to watch such a strong and glorious creature end his life this way. I just needed to share. |
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Having been there many times I know how much it hurts. |
I am sorry to hear you are going thru this. We've all been there. Just remember that your dog has unconditional love for you & trusts you to do the right thing for him, no matter how hard it is to let go. One thing I have found in life is that we can help our dogs to leave with dignity......that's more than we can do for our humans.  |
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I am in tears right along with you. It is so hard |
I'm so sorry you're going through this... it's so so hard when you have to ssay goodbye to them young or old.  |
| I'm really sorry that you and Portage are going through this. My husband was very reluctant to let Lucy go when it was time and it became very difficult for him to accept thus making everything kind of difficult. Sucks all around. |
| I am so sorry
I'm in tears here too for Portage, you and your husband. Try to focus on the time you still have together. |
| So sorry to hear and always such a hard decision, I know with Kelsey I left it too long, I was still looking at her through as they say Rose coloured glasses. She had her odd good day but more often other days were so sad. Hubby took months to make me realise it was definately time. If he had not come to the vets with me, yes she sparked up, we lifted her out of the car and she sort of wobbled and half bounced into the vets, I would of put her back in the car and went home. Would of been a bad decision to prolong it just for my sake of wanting her by my side for longer.
Balled my eyes out, still miss her terribly, held her in my arms, when she took her last little sigh it was so peacefull sitting with her & seeing her at peace, no panting because of constant pain and she looked like an angel just resting peacefully there in my arms. No one can say when it is portages time, you know your baby better then anyone, just dont leave it too long as portage has given you both so much love and that love has to be returned by making a decision eventually to let her go & be at peace. Love to you all and my heart is breaking for you. |
| I totally understand how you're feeling, we have the same thing with Luke .One day is horrible, then the next is a little better. My husband is also reluctant to make the call but I know it's his time. Toughest damn thing there is to do and always second guessing doesn't help either. |
| This brings back all of the ahrd memories of what Jake, Joan and I went through near the end.
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, and thank you for being strong for Portage when he really needs you. |
| I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Its never easy and it never will be. My heart goes out to you. I have been were you are and I wish something I could say would help you with this. But I cant no one really can. I can just tell you we are all here for you. And so very sorry. |
I'm so very sorry your facing this with Portage. It sounds very similar to what we went thru with Drez - the 24/7 diapers, the weak back hips/legs, the walking on the toes, the helping her stand up. We take even the slightest "improvement" as a good sign, but it's actually worse, because it's not sustainable. My heart goes out to you as you face these last days with your boy.  |
| My heart is breaking for you.
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| I am in tears too....feeling your pain and sorrow. Pearl is declining also so I know what you are going through... |
| I'm sorry about that. It has to be so hard I can't even imagine. |
| Portage sounds like he has been a wonderful companion to your family. I can only imagine how daunting the thought of his loss in your lives is. I went through a similar situation last year and my heart is breaking for you. I'm sure you've been a great Mom to him because this is so very difficult for you. He feels your love I'm sure. |
| My heart goes out to you. I am sure you will do the right thing when you have to. |
| I am so sorry. Soft gentle hugs to Portage. |
| Ugh this is so sad... I'm crying too... lots of love to you guys |
| I'm so sorry you're going through this. Give Portage an extra snuggle for me. |
| It has been exactly 7 years since I put my last one to sleep and it still stings. I can only be comforted by the fact that our dogs depend on us not only in life, but in death. I also take comfort knowing that my dogs bring me nothing but joy and the least i can do for them is take away their pain. You are doing the very best for Portage and thats all you can ask of yourself. |
| My heart is breaking for you and your family, having gone through this only 3 weeks ago, I know it is a very hard decision.
Please know that I am thinking of you, enjoy every moment you have with him. Brenda |
| I am so sorry.
We had to make this decision with Ben in August. It was the right decision and I know it in my heart, but that didn't make it any easier. I've always said the only downside to having a pet is that they don't live long enough. We need at least another 30 or 40 years with them. |
| Like everyone here, I have loads of sympathy. It reminds me of what I went through with Chumley. I actually found myself crying recently, missing her, wondering if I'd taken her too early. The renewed spark at the vet visit is what I found most painful and haunts me but the vet assured me I should be happy that she was able to be happy and loving in her final moments. In a way, this conversation is what I needed to remind me that I did a good thing. But it really sucks and I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. |
| oh it is so hard to ready this post my heart-tears and hugs to you |
| I couldn't even get through that whole post.... I'm so sorry for you and Portage. I hope you guys can find some peace soon. |
| Thank you all for the support and kind words. They really do mean a lot. There's still a great deal of tension here. My husband still sees me as "hastening" his end, but does appear to recognize that the big decision is inevitable. It is sad.
Portage has been uninterested in his food at meal times, but ravenous an hour or two later and gobbles it all up. I'm not sure what that means, but he is still eating, going for walks, and pooping. Those are three really important things to a dog. Napping is now his raison d'etre. And it's nice to watch him sleep. He dreams a lot and chases lots of rabbits (or steaks). I'm glad he can still run and play in his dreams. (Ok, I must admit, that's the sentence that just made me start crying out loud.) He had a rough morning today, napped for three or four hours while we were out doing errands, and seemed almost spry afterwards. He just can't maintain it for long. I'm glad there's still some fun for him. As sad as I am, I feel a sort of inner peace knowing that he won't keep on suffering indefinitely. It will still be excruciating to see him go, and I'm sure it will hurt forever (losing Theeps and BRANDON still hurts like it's fresh), but I've never had to watch a dog decline like this. When our first sheepie, BRANDON, died it was sudden and I thought that was the worst. Then I spent a week of trying to keep Theeps alive (hoping he'd be able to beat it) and that was even more painful. Now spending the last year and a half fighting the good fight with Portage and knowing that the gains were, at best, minimal seems like an even crueler experience for us all. Nonetheless, I'm glad that he's still having some joy and that there will be peace and rest for him ahead. He deserves the relief. As evil as Hudson is, there's only one choice left for him...he'll just have to live forever. Sigh. I hope he gets nicer. Again, thanks to you all. I have no one in my real life to talk to who gets it like you guys do. I can't handle one more person telling me he's "just a dog" and that I shouldn't be so involved, so I don't really talk about it anywhere but here. You guys are the best. |
| Tracie, your husband can't let go yet. I just went through this with my husband, I knew Luke couldn't fight anymore and was ready to go. My husband kept telling me he would get better again but I knew he wouldn't. The stress involved is unbelievable. We let Luke go today and though I'm heartbroken it was the kindest thing to do. It hurts like hell but I know from experience it gets better. What I try to remember is that he never knew hunger or abuse and always had love, not much to hold on to but it helps. And for all of us here it's not "just a dog" but a huge part of our family. |
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It took ages for me to convince my hubby it was time to let our last dog go. He just couldnt let him go. We waited a bit too long but it gave DH time to get his head and heart around the fact that it was time. Its soooo hard!! Thinking of you at this terrible time. |
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